8 September 2024 - Feeling alright
Gotta say I’m… actually kinda on a roll right now?
Gotta say I’m… actually kinda on a roll right now? What makes one feel like hey things are pretty good actually? Where does flow come from? I can always tell you why I feel down when I feel down, but never why I don’t when I don’t.
It’s so useful to be in that state of alright. To speak with confidence and not loose your footing at small inconveniences. Or big inconveniences for that matter. I held a presentation the other day for like 50+ business/research people AND answered audience questions in the panel afterwards – I have never done that before! But while my body was nervous as hell (high puls, sweaty palms, general unrest), in my mind it all turned to excitement. How great is that?! It definitely helped that I wasn’t alone, I did it with my project manager (who, I must confess, I kind of have a small crush on right now…). That feeling of having back-up really helped.
I recognize that it, at least to me, truly feels like a different kind of state. With that I mean that I simply can’t be the same and do the same things when I don’t have this ”flow”. I would say the past year has been maybe 1/3 good state and 2/3 tired, unsure and without footing, so it’s a priviledge when that happens. This time though it has lasted unusually long, something like a month?
So what happens in me when I’m in one or the other state? Maybe it’s like, when I’m feeling kind of alright, the analyzer in min has sat back and relaxed a bit. The driver is not constantly awaiting input to make sure it stays out of trouble.
u kno what i mean?
That makes sense to me. And there can probably be something triggering the ”analyzer” coming forward or sitting back. Like, usually I feel better after I’ve gone back home to Sweden and don’t need to watch my footing when I speak. I probably feel worse if there are things I need to get done that I don’t feel totally confident about. Physical activity… I mean given all the research and stuff on the topic it surely helps too, but speaking for myself it’s not a guarantee.
For a lot of people I think an important reason is being with friends. For sure, I can feel like a star if I’ve had a great night with friends or meeting new nice people, a night where I found my place and just had fun. But for me, ”being with friends” can actually be a double edged sword, I don’t always know how I’ll feel afterwards. If I’ve had a night with friends when I wasn’t quite able to find my place, I can walk away feeling utterly terrible. No fault of anyone, it’s just the way it is. Maybe the activity wasn’t for me (anything remotely competitive and I’m out), maybe the humor or music wasn’t what I can get down to. Or maybe it was none of the above. Honestly, then it’s even worse. What if I didn’t manage to find my place DESPITE the music being bangin, the activity was just chillin and talking about interesting stuff and the mood generally being nice? Ugh makes me wanna lock myself up in a room with tea, with some video essay I’ve seen a thousand times and make references to myself that only I will understand. But there is no easy way to get out of that state. How rude.
And how annoying it is that there are no ways I can guide myself into the better state of mind. And there are no lessons I can take with me, either. Like I said, things just work differently. When I AM constantly loosing my footing, it DOES make sense to look where I step my foot. And when I’m not, it doesn’t.
I can only acknowledge that, when it comes to social anxiety, even though I’m in a good flow right now, I know what a struggle it can be sometimes. Now my social anxiety isn’t crazy severe, but it exists, and people who have never experienced any struggle are very lucky, but also mistaken if they believe that it’s just about ”relaxing” and ”being yourself” or whatever. Being able to relax and be yourself obviously helps, but it’s not always that easy, and not always as easy for everyone. For someone like me, who feel like I tend to think a bit differently from ””most people”” (imagine me doing air quotes here, I believe most people in reality are a little weird in their own ways), it’s not so straightforward to integrate into any conversation and make myself understood (see above about my natural state of making (very funny) references --- that only I will actually get...). But, the other side of it is this: when I DO manage to join in the conversation, in a way that fits the situation but also feels true to me, I think I’m almost more interesting and engaging than ””most people”” – exactly BECAUSE I tend to have a little uncommon ways of seeing things. (and hey, about that strange reference, if I’m lucky there might be one other quite person in the group who actually got it, and I’ve just made a very special bond).