9 August 2024 - Am I aromantic or not?
I was on a bumble date some month ago, and the guy asked me what my ”languages of love” are.
Oh I should probably read a bit more and not just look at the picture… But let’s not kill the flow (even though I vibe with a bit more than I thought to be honest).
I know the concept is a bit pseudoscientific, so my first reaction was ”oh he means this, like, not ironically huh”. But after my initial sceptic impulse, I gave it a thought, I suppose it can still be a good starting point for a discussion (or a blog entry for that matter). Let’s see what there is and how I feel about it:
”Acts of service” – I mean I guess it’s nice but I wouldn’t call it my love language. And I would do things for you but rather from a sense of duty and fairness, not love.
”Receiving gifts” – What like a necklace I’m not going to wear? Or a piece of clothing produced by someone under god knows what conditions and barely existent salary and now I have to feel guilty about capitalism?! Or some nice piece of decoration or utensils that I don’t know where to put anyway? No if you wanna give me something you will have a bad time. And if this is your thing, I hope you like soap, tea or fairtrade chocolate because that is the extent of my creativity.
”Physical touch” – Okay yeah I can be a sucker for this one. But if I’m working or cooking or wrapped up in a discussion it will be nothing but annoying. What if I’m slicing a tomato and my hands are all sticky I would have to wash them and wipe my hands? It just all kind of ruins the vibe, doesn’t it?
”Words of affirmation” – Hmm… ”You’re so beautiful” yeah okay I know and you told me alread- Oh sorry I mean thank you!! And uuh you too? Yes I think you are aesthetically pleasing, or else I would not be on this date, so I think you can figure that one out. God I’m terrible at giving compliments about someones appearence. I guess, tell me I’m smart – but not if you’re dumb. Tell me I’m funny – but not if you’re boring. Tell me I’m a good person without implying that I’m naïve. (Oh and tell me I’m reasonable and not awfully picky and defensive – without lying, lol)
And finally,
”Quality time” – Is this my stop then? I don’t know I just picture ”romantic dinners”, ”sunsets together” and ”adventures” and well, that’s not me. But I guess if we include things like watching tv together or just sitting and talking with a kettle of tea, then I’m in all in. But then in the other hand I feel like this category is really broad. Like, of course I would want to spend time with you in some way or another? Does it even count?
So in the end, my reaction to all ”languages of love” range from ”definitely no” to ”I guess maybe but eh?”. But what WOULD I want from a partner? In the moment at the date, all I could think of to answer was in the negative: don’t go get distracted by ’my beautiful eyes’ or something when I try and share my thoughts – listen to me clearly and then I want to hear your thoughts. don’t laugh at my jokes because you think it’s so cute when I think I’m very funny, laugh at my jokes because it was funny to you too. But what kind of defensive ”love language” is that? Does it even have anything to do with ”love”? Naturally my date went ”okay but then what do you LIKE?” Thinking about it now, I just want them to like me too I guess? Listen to me and pay me attention? After that I don’t know.
So then am I maybe aromantic?
I mean it is kinda pretty...
Or what is that? Wikipedia gives the definition of aromanticism as ”having little or no romantic feeling towards others: experiencing little or no romantic desire or attraction”, which would be helpful - if I knew what was meant by ”romantic”.
I mean, is romance like ooohh-holding-hands-and-getting-lost-in-the-depth-of-their-eyes and red roses and a string quartette and slow dancing to smooth jazz a sunset and a heart-shaped box of chocolate on valentines day? Because then I’m definitely aromantic, count me out. But then I feel like it’s a strange thing to label - Who vibes with Hollywood romcom-romance anyway?
Or is ”romantic attraction and desire” basically having a crush? I see that as a central point sometimes, it makes more sense to me as a label, and then I’m definitely NOT aromantic - I have crushed HARD in my days.
Mmh. Romantic.
So I don’t know. I guess I can safely say I’m not romantic, but I’m not asexual and I do get crushes. Anduuh hey, maybe if my crushes were mutual I’d be able to pinpoint something past ”like me too pls”... Maybeuuh someone should try it our some time just for shits and giggles Idon’tknowjust throwingouttheidea Ithinkitcouldbecool...
Anyway, going around talking about ”romantic” as if everybody knows what that means… No, sure, go ahead and name a form of attraction after an artistic and intellectiual movement, why don’t you? ”Mmh I feel so advocating-for-the-importance-of-subjectivity,-imagination,-and-appreciation-of-nature-in-society-and-culture-in-response-to-the-Age-of-Enlightenment-and-the-Industrial-Revolution right now, don’t you?” Let’s do modernism or something next.